Musings on Motherhood - My Journey

Yup, this is me, circa 1990. Elisabeth was reading one of my husband's college books the other night and this photo slipped out from the pages. She was quite amused. Chris carried it downstairs and set it in front of me with a comment about "big earrings." How could he overlook the "big hair?" I had spent hours getting a perm, then curling every piece, teasing it, and finally turning my head upside down and coating it with hairspray to get that look!

My, times have changed for me. This photo, combined with another new baby in the house, has gotten me thinking quite a lot this week about my journey through motherhood. I was 23 when I got married, but I was still at the stage in life where I saw little past the end of my nose as far as the needs of others were concerned. All I had ever wanted since I was a young teenager was to marry a man who loved me for who I was, and to have children together. Being newly married was like playing house. We were blissfully happy and everything was new and fun.

My idea of having children was based on what I had known or been taught. Birth control was just using common sense. In college, we had been told to wait at least two years so we would have time to get adjusted as husband and wife. But after two months of using birth control, I came to my husband and told him I wanted a baby. He had only been waiting for me to be sure, and a little over nine months later, I held our first child in my arms.

I really don't remember when we made the decision and at the time, it wasn't a monumental one, but I do remember realizing just how simple the reasoning was. If God wanted us to surrender our entire life to Him, how could we say, "OK, Lord, here's my life for you to control, but WE want to decide just how many children (i.e. blessings) you give us and when we receive them." In all simplicity, it just didn't make sense. God makes it clear all through His Word that children are a blessing, a gift from the Lord, and a reward. Why would we turn down these gifts? Because we couldn't afford them? We couldn't handle that many? Or we didn't want to work that hard?

Like I said, when we made the decision, it was simple, but as I faced each new pregnancy and life got busier and busier and I became more and more tired, I realized that this wasn't a one-time surrender, but a daily sacrifice. Many, many times, I have had to resurrender my "body as a living sacrifice" (Romans 12:1), and every single time, the Lord has been right there for me.

I recently read through some of my old journals from when I had two, three, and four babies. I was the only helper to be had at that time. And even though much has changed since then (having more helpers than babies, for one thing), much is still the same. First of all, the desire of my heart hasn't changed, and that is to serve the Lord. Secondly, I still have purpose in life - to raise my children to love and honor Him. Thirdly, I am still purposely not missing a thing, but enjoying every moment I have with my children. And fourth, I still doubt myself. I still have bad days where I lose my temper or I'm just plain crabby. I still wonder if I'm doing everything right, if my kids will turn out to be adults with character and a love for God and others. I still worry... And I still claim Psalm 32:8 on almost a daily basis: "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go; I will guide thee with mine eye." So far, He has been faithful (as He always will be) and it is so exciting to reap the blessings of our efforts.

I remember when I was pregnant with babies #4,5,6,7... There was one "thoughtful" man in our church who would shake my hand every week and sympathetically say, "How are you doing, Amy? You look tired." You can imagine how encouraging that was, and now looking back, I think I was tired for about ten years straight... It was during those years that my daily prayer was Psalm 71:3: "Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort:" and my secret was: "I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge." (vs. 7) God and I knew that He was my strength during this time of physical exhaustion. And yet, looking back, I remember those early days as days filled with sunshine and play as I lay on the couch and did preschool activities with my babies, and we took long walks down the path through the corn field in the evenings. My kitchen floor may have gone unswept far too often, but we were making memories and feeding eager little minds.

I am thankful, in one sense, to be past the "only babies" stage, and yet I'm also having to let go of my older ones a little bit already. We're trading in changing diapers for homeschooling, continual training in behavior and chores, putting up with lots of extra messes and noise (did I say lots?), and saying good-bye each morning as my older two head off to work for Daddy all day. This whole childrearing thing goes way too fast, but I can't ever remember a time where I once regretted having so many children. Every stage of life has it's share of struggles, but the joy of it has always outweighed the hard parts. Motherhood is the most rewarding occupation in life.

Our Blessings - May, 2008 - Time for an update!
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P.S. This is my own personal testimony and is not meant to point any fingers or cause offense in any way. I realize I have touched on a very personal matter, but I first wrote this out for my own sake, and then felt that God was leading me to share...